"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."-JOHN 3:16

Don't ask me why whenever I hear , or think of the word LOVE...this scripture is what always appears to me in the back of my mind. It's almost as if I can hear the words being whispered in my ear. "For God so loved the world"...Wow, did you hear that? Let me say it again. God so loved the world...God loves the world.

God loves...me.

Just think about that for a second please. God's love. Those two words right there, are the words that carry the entire weight of everything that is. All because of God's love. Before there was the first man and woman, Gods love was present. And long before there was this amazing planet we live on, or ANY other planet that was ever lived on at any point in time by anyone or thing...Divine love was there. Even before the Big bang? I truly believe that God's love was the reason for the big bang in the first place.

God's love is the truth, it is the light, and it is the way. "The way to what?",some of us might ask. "Where do you want to go?", is my reply. And the thing that I find to be the most amazing is that the scripture doesn't even say that you have to even understand how God's love works...all you have to do is believe.And then it goes on to say that "whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Now ask me where I want to go.

I want to have eternal life. I want to know about God's love. I want to learn about His promises, and live according to God's will. Because, I DO believe.

I believe that God's love is the kind of Love we ALL have been searching for in our lives. And I know that alot of people are going to say to me,"Carlos...what is up with all of this God talk. And just what do you know about God?Let alone his love?" And all that i can reply is, "Not much at all. Because I really don't know much at all about God and his eternal love, but I do know that I believe."

You see, because believing has always been the toughest task for ME to keep my faith in tact. And I'll be completely honest...I lost my faith in God for many, many years. Those years when I was faithless were some of the worst years of my life. I was a faithless, homeless, suicidal teen-aged criminal. But through it all I realize now that I ALWAYS had one thing.I believed.

I believed that some how, someway there has to be a god that is in control of all things...even me. I believed that if I truly wanted to change my life and came before God in prayer...that he would indeed listen to my cries. I believed in God. The problem is that somewhere along the line I lost my faith in Him. And you know the saying " hindsight is 20\20?"

I can see now that all of the foul things that happened to me in my life...were all a direct result of an action or decision I made. None of it was Gods fault, but it was alot easier to BLAME god for all of my problems. I mean...why in the world would I want to blame myself? It sure was A LOT easier to blame god. Especially because I was familiar with the word of god. Having been a student of biblical scripture since the age of seven.

I always kept the idea in the back of my mind that no matter what...at the end of the day God would always accept me back. Like the parable of the prodigal son. Somewhere along the line though i forgot the whole...you shouldn't test god thing. But that's another for another time. The point is that I DO believe. And it is my belief in God, his words, and promises that have re-established my faith in LOVE

How to say sorry

How exactly do you tell someone (your wife) that you're sorry?

I'd be a bold faced liar if I told you it came easy for me. And the sad thing is that most times, when I find myself in the "saying sorry "situation. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, want to say sorry, but I won't.

I will sit there and play out in my mind all of the right things to do and say. Things that I KNOW will smooth over the situation. Yet, I will stand (or sit ) there completely blank. Void of all emotional expression. Comfortably numb. And I know that all i'm doing is shooting myself in the foot, because the response I always receive as a result of this is, "Well, don't you want to talk to me?"

Of course I want to talk to you... The only problem is that you are not going to like the words that are going to come flying out of my mouth. You see, I have always had a very special gift with my words when under the pressure of giving an impromptu performance. This gift is known as bitter sarcasm. And please don't confuse this with the gift of being witty. I LOVE people who are witty. No...I will think of the words that will cause the most damage. Let them fly, and deal with picking up the pieces some other time. Score one more for ME!!!! Luckily... the adults in my life noticed this about me at a very early age. So, I was always taught that if you don't have anything nice to say, then you shouldn't say anything at all.

But, I really want to be like,Yes! I'd love to talk to you. " And while i'm saying those words , rise from my chair, wrap my wife in my arms, kiss and hold her passionately. Then look deep in her eyes, and say, Baby, I'm sorry. I am a complete and total ass. I never meant to make you feel that way.(or, I never meant to say those words, or....fill in the blank with a wide variety of mistakes that I've made) You are my world, and mean everything to me. You're my best friend, and I would die if I were to ever lose you. Please allow me to show you how much you truly mean to me. I love you." Then sweep her off her feet, and proceed with playing a little "patty-cake."

I'm actually going to do my best to try that approach the next time that my wife and i are having an argument. Because she does mean the world to me, and she is definitely my best friend, And I never want to be without her.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

So what if I cry...

Ok...I will admit it. I cry often. And the sad part is I really don't know why. I always cry whenever I experience a rush of emotions...for anything! But it is mostly when I am watching T.V. or a movie. What is truly wierd about it (my crying) is that the movie or telivision program doesn't have to necessiarly be sad, just emotional. Like for example...when "Goose" died in the movie Top Gun...I cried (I know that was the sad part) , but I cried just as much when at the end of the movie, Iceman walks over Maveric and tells him, "You are still dangerous! You can be my wingman anytime." Then Tom Cruise looks back at him and says, "Bullshit! You can be mine." I cant explain it...but of course I cried.

Its kinda sad, but if you name a movie...I can proably tell you a scene from it that made me cry. And, lets not even begin with "Forrest Gump".

The only reason why i'm even sharing this is because this evening I was watching the season premier of "The Biggest Loser" , and, well...I cried. I cried listening to their stories. I cried in the beginning of the show when that lady collapsed on the beach after trying to run for just ONE MILE!!! But mostly I cried tonight because in each and everyone of this seasons competitors...I saw ME!

I felt the fear they are all facing. The fear of letting go. Letting go of all that you cling to in order to start yourself anew. Letting go of the anger inside of you. All of the bad fellings, all of the negitivity, all of the people, all of the HATE!

I've come to find this process is easier said than done, because for someone like me (or someone like you) all of these things i have mentioned have come to DEFINE just who I am. So, I'm left with the reality of ,"If I let all of these things go...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO HOLD ON TO ?" It is only today that i have come to the understanding of my last question. The answer is ...nothing. Because you see...If you hold onto nothing, you have nothing to get in your way. No one to blame. No one . Just YOURSELF. And it is only now that I can truly see just how much this has kept me back . Me. I have kept me back. I have kept myself back from becoming the person I was meant to become...all because i WAS SCARED TO LET GO.

So, please follow along with me , as I begin my journey of self awareness, as I begin to achive my goals, as I begin to learn how...to live.

So what if I cry...it's just my way of reminding myself that I am human.

Fat People

The Mind. The Universe. Planet Earth. Fat People.

I have finally come to the brutal conclusion that we, as a human society know more about The mind, the Planet Earth, The Universe, Rapist, Murderers, and thieves, than we as a society know about fat people. I've noticed too, that whenever mention of an overweight person, it always spawns one of two VERY distinct reactions. Either people: A) Hold their head with shame when mentioning of a fat person. As if the very mention of that person is going to bring on an onslought of bad circulation, a doubble chin, and an uncontrollable desire for all things fried. (Altough...I'm still not too sure just how bad that last thing REALLY is.)

Or: B) They laugh, chucklle, or snicker. Just the mention of the fat persons name is the set-up, AND the punchline.

But do you really want to know what is the funniest thing about this situation? These people will NEVER call you fat to your face! You might be "Big boned", or "a big guy"or my favorite...when a non-fat person will actually say the fat word to you...they'll say, "Oh, you're not THAT fat!!!"

And it is a sad state of affairs when we as a society know more abouth the innerworkings of a serial killers brain than that of an overweight persons. My reasonong behind saying this is because, researchers have actually (suposedly) isolated the "fat gene"? OH>>>>>It's all starting to make sence to me now. I'm not fat because I either eat too much, or too little, but it's because of a genetic MUTATION inside of my body!!! now, please someone tell me, just how was I to controll that?

here is the truth....There is nothing worse in this WORLD , than to be the fat person. It is the first and last thing that people notice when meeting you for the first time. Sure you have a great personality, or you are hilarious, or such a caring person. but, as soo as the "elite" skinnies start talking ABOUT the funny FAT guy ...

I'm sure that you're all wanting me to get to the point already, so I will. My girlfriend ( a fitness trainer) has been trying her best to start up a bootcamp. Just to possibly help a few people change tyheir lives, and hopefully get just a little excited about feeling good about themselves for a change. And the trainer she was speaking to said, "I don't want nothing to do with THOSE fat people", "I dont have anything in common with 'em"

How about a HEART!!! How about the fact that we are all here to help one another. How about if you were to possible take the time to get to kjnow someone , other than what you have always known, maybe...just maybe, you could learn something about...I dont know ....someone other than YOURSELF. And what is really funny is that most people like that really have NO CLUE who they are. But they sure do want you to believe that they've got it all together .Cool as a cuccumber.

The bottom line is that we are ALL quite messed up. So what, If I like a Big Mac value meal. I boought it. And I could care less about a Napolionic narcissis that cheats on his wife with 17 year old boys. SO WHAT!!! All I want to do is help others. Hopefully I can one day save your life. It is this dream that saved mine.